Foodless in America

I have always engaged with and found friends in people who have led colorful lives.  They have way more interesting stories to tell of their "glory days" and have experiences the rest of us may not have enjoyed.  Especially in the area I live in.  Or people who have had world experience outside of their neighborhoods or families.  They have a widened view of what is real.

I live in Northern Utah County.  Sometimes the people here are myopic.  What is myopic?  It means shortsighted or nearsighted, lacking imagination or intellectual insight.  Or to put it plainly they sometimes can't see past their noses.

Sometimes Mormons who have grown up in our society have never stepped out of bounds and experienced things.  You know, we don't drink alcohol or coffee, we don't smoke or do illicit drugs.  But we sure do drink a lot of Coke and take a lot of anti-depressants.  We don't have sex outside of marriage  But we have the highest porn addiction stats in the US.  Now I'm not saying one has to drink alcohol or take drugs or have premarital sex to experience the "outside" world.  One of the best ways to experience these things is by watching how it affect those around us.  For some people this is enough.  For some, they wait until they have 4 or 5 kids then go off on some crazy midlife crisis and destroy their families, leave the Church, etc.  Or, of course, you can sow your wild oats as a teenager.  Not that I'd recommend it.

A lot of Mormons go around trying to outdo their neighbors.  Making sure everyone is dressed just so or has their happiest faces on at Church even though their lives at home behind closed doors are a nightmare.  I know men who hide major porn addictions from everyone and put on this "I'm such a great guy act" at Church then go home and treat their wives and family like utter shit. Or the mom who has to be everywhere and do everything for everybody but ingests 40-50 Lortab a day to be able to get it done.  I kid you not.  40-50 Lortab a day!  Let alone still being alive how does she poop?

There is this idea in our LDS society of being perfect or at least having the facade of perfection for everyone to see.  I call their bluff.  Luckily, in my congregation I see very little of that going on.  We are all struggling along with each other and helping each other when we can. I appreciate how open my congregation is with each other.  Sharing their stories of addiction, abuse, depression to help others better understand when it happens to them or a loved one.  Because I have friends in my congregation who have experienced teenagers who use their agency to it's fullest I have a little more compassion for my own situation.  Plus, I was a little shit until I grew up and had some "real life" experiences of my own........so I'm more compassionate towards my friends' experiences.

Another thing that helps me be more empathetic and compassionate is because I'm married to a Marriage and Family Therapist.  Because he is a therapist people think, incorrectly, that I am equally qualified.  Psh!  I will listen and love you but I got nothin' when it comes to helping you the way he can.  I can only draw on my own experiences and the experiences of those around me to give you any "therapy".

Also, my experience as a school secretary really opened my eyes to some of the things that go on around me.  I loved those little kids.  Sometimes they would come into the office and my face was the first one they'd see and they'd just need someone to love them up and send them on their way.  I held several little ones on my lap at my desk and let them cry because that's what they needed.  Sometimes a band-aid made it all better.  Or the ubiquitous bag of ice.  We all need to feel love and have attention given and sometimes that stupid ice bag was it.

There were also the children who were in abusive homes. Or homes wherein there was illicit drug use.  There were children who came in of whom I am sure school lunch--they would receive free lunch--was their only meal of the day and I was glad that they had school breakfast, too.

Lately, I have seen on a popular social media site a northern Utah County woman's insistence that children in America do not go to bed hungry.  That the free lunch program that is federally funded does not need to be a part of our district because it is federal money.  This is also the type of person who doesn't believe in using federal dollars to fund special education program for the mentally disabled or classrooms for children who have autism. Also this is the type of person who does not believe in using federal dollars to fund Title 1 programs in lower income schools.  This woman stated that these kids who receive free lunches and breakfast through federally funded programs should just have their parents make them a sandwich and put an apple into a bag and there is lunch.  That's simple if you HAVE THE MONEY AND THE FOOD TO DO THAT KIND OF THING.

And yes, people do take advantage of the system.  I haven't dug a deep hole in the ground to put my head into it. Hell, we've been poor enough over the early years that my children could have qualified to receive free lunch and breakfast but we always had enough money to pay for lunches or make lunches to send with them.  But let's face it I am THAT lazy mom who doesn't care to get up and make lunches for her people.  Eat at school!

I've been in the lunchrooms and seen the kids who don't get food at home.  They eat everything that's on their plate then ask for their friends.  Then they take the leftover food and put it in their pockets for later.  Yes, even in the wealthier parts of this school district they do this.

Do we need federal monies to do this?  Why not? This district takes federal monies only for the special ed programs and for school lunch.  We do not take money for Common Core or any other programs.  Could we continue to fund special ed and free school meals if we lost the federal funds?  No.  It would be impossible. (And don't even get me started on what this woman thinks about special ed funding because she doesn't believe in that either.  Lucky her.  She has healthy children.  See what I mean about being myopic?) So suck it up, lady.  As long as I am around I will fight for my neighbors and friends who need these programs and are lucky enough to have federal monies around to fund them.  We won't all need a handout but isn't it nice to have around when or if you ever do?

Ordain Women

There are only a few times I have felt powerless in my life:  before I became medicated for my depression, before I forgave my mother for her abusive nature, when I was writing my other blog and got in trouble for it by my employer leading me to quit my job, a couple times while I was on my mission when things weren't going well for an investigator.  There are a more, I'm sure but none that stand out right now.

Not once in my life have I ever felt powerless because of a man--of course, I've never been raped or sexually abused, my father was and is loving and supportive as well as my husband, I grew up knowing because of my mother that I was just as good as any man and how to stand up to any man in any situation.  I learned how to interact with boys and then men in a way that makes them trust me as an equal and not a whiner.  I've ALWAYS liked men way more than I like women.  They don't pull punches, they don't play games, they're straightforward, they don't gossip like women do, etc.  I have few women friends that I totally trust.  I know that at any minute a woman will betray me.  It's happened too many times in my life and I have had many different friends from different backgrounds and cultures---they're all the same.

Maybe if I had been abused or had been brought up by an "abusive" man or a man that lorded his priesthood over our family I would feel more powerless.  Maybe if my mother hadn't have had a strong personality and didn't go head to head with a few bishops and bosses over her lifetime I would feel more powerless.

I remember a few times my mother got a little (read a lot) pissed off with some misogynistic priesthood holders in her lifetime and they got to feel her wrath.  Once we had this bishop--this is back in the early 70's--and he got up in Sunday School on Mother's Day and told the assembly that he had been able to get a general authority to admit that men were just a little bit better than women in the Church and in the realms of heaven.  This is back when we would go to Sunday School in the morning then go back in the evening for two hours of Sacrament Meeting (brutal).  Also, at the time my dad was in this guy's Bishopric.  Well, she had some time to ruminate on this before we went back for our evening meetings and she said, I remember her saying this, "I'm going to get that guy.  He's going to know that I am just as good as him if not better."  She waited until my dad left to go back to the church then went in and put on her polyester blue and white striped pants.  I remember thinking that we were all going to go to hell because you just didn't wear pants to church! We went to our building and she waited out in the foyer until the Bishop got up to the pulpit to start the meeting and then she marched me and my sister to the front row, right in front of the Bishop so he could see who exactly wore the pants in the family.  He was so pissed.  I lay across my mother's lap during church trying to hide her shame. 

Another time a couple of years before she died she was at church in sacrament meeting when a high councilman (who sometimes get a little full of themselves as do some women in stewardship roles) got up to speak and went on and on about what was and wasn't proper Sunday activity and dress.  He said that people should stay in their Sunday clothes all day long and stated that "I would like to come to some of your houses and see how YOU observe the Sabbath," of course, in an accusatory way.  Well!  She had some time to ruminate on this and as soon as the closing prayer was over she put her Jazzy in high gear and Jazzied her way up to the front of the chapel, right in this guy's way and said, "If you ever came to my house on a Sunday I'd throw you off of my porch!" Then she turned around and Jazzied her way out.  She then called the Stake President and told on him and that guy got released. I kid you not.

My mother was a Relief Society President, a Young Women's President, in a Stake Relief Society Presidency.  She was the Ward Activities Chairperson, a dynamic gospel doctrine teacher, the Stake Girl's Camp cook for over 20 years, and a bishop's wife.  She and my dad served two missions to Zimbabwe and then India.  She always had leadership positions because she was known to stand up for what she believed in, get what she wanted and get the job done in an efficient and well-done  manner. And about the time I turned 10 she went back to work full time.  She had several chronic and weird medical conditions during this time that never held her back.  The doctor told her she'd live no more than 5 years with her terminal disease.  She lived 10.  She was a woman and you should have heard her roar.  This is where I come from.

If a person feels defeated, put upon, unjustly dealt with, powerless--those are THEIR feelings.  Those are Satan's way of making a person question what is right.  Remember: the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith.  Meekness (which means spiritual strength, not weakness), and temperance (Galatians 5:22-23).  Satan doesn't help us have these feelings.  He wants us to have counterfeit feelings: pride, ego, jealousy, impatience, striving, powerless, being better than others, or being worse than others, insecurity, doubt, etc.

So, I don't get Ordain Women.  I just don't.  The word these women keep using to describes themselves is powerless.  "Powerless".  If they feel powerless then they have put themselves into that position.  Not the Church.  Not the Brethren.  Not the Priesthood.  They have.  They have bought into some of society's views on women and then projected it onto the Church.  There is nowhere in my reading, studying, and living the gospel that has ever led me to believe that I am powerless.

Some of the things Ordain Women want changed are ludicrous to me: the temple blessings. Uh, hello!! Women actually have the better part in the blessings of the temple they just don't know it. They need to study up on that a bit more.  Go sit down with a member of a Temple Presidency and ask them the differences between men and women in the blessings of the temple.  You will be astounded.  Ladies, you want to have harder work? Be my guest.  I prefer to skate along.

 They want the Priesthood. Why?! Because they think they can do a better job? So they can boss everyone around and then lord it over us because you know that's what they would do.  Plus, Jesus is a man.  Not a woMAN. And when you use the Priesthood to bless someone you are standing in for the Savior.  In the realms of the spirit world male spirits only administer to male spirits and female spirits only administer to female spirits. This is why it states in the Proclamation on the Family, "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Here, we administer to each other in different ways but only a male (mortal) spirit can stand in for another male (Jesus' immortal) spirit.

And this supposed interview with President Gordon B Hinckley wherein he "admitted" that women should have the Priesthood but they hadn't "agitated" for it?  Taken entirely out of context.  Come on!

I could go on and on.....I really could.  I really, really could. But then I would just start swearing and bringing the Spirit down....so I will end with this:

I was reading in 2 Timothy 4:3-4 which states:  

3. For the time will come when they will not ^aendure sound ^bdoctrine; but after their own ^clusts shall they heap to themselves ^dteachers, having itching ears;

 4 And they shall turn away their ears from the ^atruth, and shall be turned unto ^bfables.

This is what is happening now.  These women have turned their ears from the truth, they have itching ears that want to hear only what they want to hear, heaping to themselves false teachers and false teachings.

Also in 2 Timothy 3:5-7:

5 Having a ^aform of godliness, but ^bdenying the power thereof: from such turn away.

6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly ^awomen laden with sins, led away with divers ^blusts,

 7 Ever ^alearning, and never able to come to the ^bknowledge of the ^ctruth.

Ever learning (the philosophies of man mingled with scripture?) but never able to come to the knowledge of the truth because they deny the message and the messenger.

What will happen if, as these women have asked, the Prophet prays about it and has the answer given to him and he publishes it in a letter for all to read as has been asked and the answer is, "No." Will this pacify them?  Will they stop?  No.  They won't. They won't be satisfied.

I urge you sisters (and brothers) to really be careful what you allow yourselves to believe, what you allow yourselves to feel.  If you allow yourself to feel a certain way then you will eventually buy into the entire purchase part and parcel and you will be on the outside looking in.  

Be like the Apostle Paul when he states in his letter to Timothy:

I have fought a good ^afight, I have ^bfinished my course, I have kept the faith.

Keep the faith, my friends.  Keep the faith.

(Below are some articles and other sources you may want to read regarding this blogpost.)

 The following was found on a comment board from another blogpost by someone else.

Look into their claim about Joseph Smith a little more. The original quote states that he “said he wanted to make of them a kingdom of Priests as in Enoch’s day – as in Paul’s day” (josephsmithpapers.org). I don’t know a whole lot about Enoch’s organization of the city of Zion, but I DO know that Paul taught that women should not rule in church (1 Corinthians 14:38 JST). He also presented Sister Phebe as a great woman who was a servant of God, a director over many, and that she was working with authority under him. Paul was not a mysoginist in any sense of the word, yet he still stated that women should not direct the affairs of the church with priesthood keys as he had. Why, then, would Joseph Smith wish to emulate Paul’s day (and presumably Paul’s administration of priesthood keys) if he’d intended to give the sisters of the Nauvoo Relief Society the priesthood? It is also important to note that the 1828 Webster dictionary defines “ordain” as “to set apart”, so as time went on we began to associate ordination with the priesthood and less with setting apart for authority in callings. We can not use our modern definition/connotation when reading early church history texts regarding the sisters and ordinations.

This was found on Mormon.org.
Gordon B. Hinckley, prior President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said:
“Women do not hold the priesthood because the Lord has put it that way. It is part of His program. Women have a very prominent place in this Church. Men hold the priesthood offices of the Church. But women have a tremendous place in this Church. They have their own organization. It was started in 1842 by the Prophet Joseph Smith, called the Relief Society, because its initial purpose was to administer help to those in need. It has grown to be, I think, the largest women’s organization in the world... They have their own offices, their own presidency, their own board. That reaches down to the smallest unit of the Church everywhere in the world...
“The men hold the priesthood, yes. But my wife is my companion. In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are co-equals in this life in a great enterprise.”

Gender Is an Essential Characteristic of Eternal Identity and Purpose. Check out this link for more information .

David a Bednar stated:

“By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other. … (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Ensign, June 2006, 83–84; or Liahona, June 2006, 51–52).

Dallin H Oaks Priesthood talk April 2014

Headache

I have always been that person who waits too long to do something I should have done a long time ago.  Say, for instance, taking anti-depressants which you can read about here or shopping for Christmas or writing a report for school or whatever.  You get the gist.

When I was a little kid if I had even the slightest sniffle or cough my mother would run me to the doctor and demand an antibiotic which we know now wasn't necessary and probably made our immune systems worse off but whatever.  Even as an adult (before she died) if I had a cough for more than three days she'd try to get me to go to the doctor for an antibiotic.  Of course, by the time I was an adult I had learned that a virus takes 7 to 10 days to clear the body.  I was sick in January, really sick, with a virus that took 10 days until I felt a little bit better.  Then it took two weeks to get rid of the dry cough.  I could hear her in the back of my head saying, "You should go to the doctor and get an antibiotic."  To which I replied, to myself of course, "It'll go away!  It's not bacterial!" 

Maybe because my mom was a such pill pusher (not really, but it's funny to think so) and took something for everything that came down the pike that I don't like to take medications now.  I watched her try to control her headaches for years.  She had these horrible debilitating headaches all her life that she controlled with huge amounts of Excedrin and Coke.  Lots of caffeine and aspirin led to huge stomach ulcers which introduced a whole new set of problems.  So then she turned to Tylenol which, let's face it, does nothing for headaches.  After her ulcers cleared up she turned back to her favorite--Excedrin and Coke.  Especially at the end of her life which from the lack of oxygen caused her to have excruciating headaches but hell she was already dying.  She ended up having to take heavy doses of some kind of legal narcotic to control the pain.  At least she died pain free, relatively. (And yes, I know that caffeine and sugar create headaches and it's a cycle and we told her but.....it was her life.)

I mean, if I get a sinus infection I don't mind taking an antibiotic.  But I always know the difference between a virus and a sinus infection--my teeth will hurt.  But if my hip hurts because I've knocked it out of alignment from running I go to the chiropractor.  If my shoulders hurt because I've sat at my desk too long working on something I call the massage therapist. 

But if my head hurts----I will wait for HOURS to do something about it.  I will wait until I am so nauseated and light hurts my eyes and I'm lying in bed debilitated before I will take something.  And Tylenol doesn't help.  Neither does Motrin.  Only Excedrin will do the trick.  I only have to take one.  One Excedrin will get rid of my headaches (I know they are migraines--leave me alone) but I will wait and see if it will go away on it's own.  It doesn't until I take my medication.

Yesterday I started to get a headache at about 3pm.  I was working on a family history project all afternoon and into the evening.  I ignored the headache.  I got up, made dinner, had a little family home evening, then went back to my project until I couldn't bear it anymore.  Then instead of taking the one Excedrin I think to myself, "If I go to bed it will be gone in the morning."  That used to be the case but as I get older it's not.  I woke up with the same damned headache.

 Guess what I did first thing this morning......I took an Excedrin.  And 30 minutes later?  Headache gone. 

It goes back to me always thinking, "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!"  I'm a 3 year old in a 45 year old body/mind.

On Gay Marriage

Today I was walking through Kohl's doing some shopping happily humming along to the Christmas music piped in from the speakers overhead when I decided to check Twitter just to see what was going on.  Twitter had metaphorically blown up with the news that a US District Court Judge had ruled on a portion of the Utah State Constitution which declared that marriage was only between a man and a woman; the judge had decided that this is unconstitutional. As I read on I found that all but four counties had started issuing marriage licenses to gay couples and Salt Lake Mayor Becker had married one or two couples.  There were cries that those four counties were backwards, hateful, too Mormon-y, etc.

Here are my two thoughts that occurred in rapid succession:  1. Complete and utter sadness and 2. it's not a law nor legal yet and only one judge had ruled on it so those counties who HAD issued marriage licenses were soon going to be faced with some very angry gay couples.

I am going to address the first thought in this blog post.  I will be turning off the comments.  I will delete comments on Facebook.  I will not address comments on Twitter.  I won't respond to text messages.  I don't care what you think of me or my blog post.  Stop following me, unfriend me, slam your door in my face--I don't give a shit. Because as part of the silent majority I will be heard on MY terms.

About 6 or 7 months ago I was pondering gay marriage.  I was listening to all sides of the coin--it should be legalized, it should be banned; it's constitutional, it's unconstitutional; it's against the commandments, God loves all of His children and wants them to be happy (which I really, truly believe); etcetera.  I was hearing what those in the gay community had to say.  I was listening to our Church leaders.  I was listening to the Pope.  I was listening to the government, friends, relatives, etc.

The reason I was pondering this position at that time was a because of an old friend of ours who lives in Illinois.  My husband went to grad school with him in Marriage and Family Therapy.  After we had left the area he and his wife stayed there and made their home.  After awhile he was made the Bishop of the ward--for those who are not LDS a bishop is the non-paid ecclesiastical  leader of geographical area in which LDS people live.  I'm not quite sure of the entire story but over his lifetime he must have had some experiences with gay couples whether as a bishop or as a therapist that made him become active in the fight to make gay marriage legal in the State of Illinois.  In the LDS Church we believe in eternal marriage and only a man and a woman can take part in eternal marriage, which is called a sealing and takes place in our temples, and was ordained from the beginning and modeled to us by our Heavenly Father.  I asked him how he separated eternal marriage from this and if he believed if a gay couple can take part in eternal marriage and he told me no and that for a gay couple to be married it wouldn't be eternal only something they could have here in this lifetime.  Seemed like a good answer to me.  Plausible.  I was pretty much sold.

I have gay family members whom I love.  I have gay friends and acquaintances whom I love.
There was an elder I became friends with on my mission (clearly gay and dramatic but it didn't even occur to me then :-)) who came home and came out and found a nice partner.  A year ago they adopted a darling little boy whom they love and parent so cutely.  They seem like great parents.  That is the cutest kid. I have another friend whom I grew up with who served a mission, came home and came out.  He is with a nice man and has raised to adulthood a child that is now off to college.  They have another child (whom I'm not clear about whether he has been adopted yet or is a foster child) that they are now raising.  My friend puts the cutest conversations he has with this child has on Facebook.  I am so glad that these children who could be in precarious positions have these wonderful men to raise them in a loving family environment.

I had these examples placed before me.  Why shouldn't they have what the rest of us have? Why can't they have every equality afforded them?  I don't have these answers.

But I do have this experience:

Some of you know I work for the LDS Church.  I clean the Mt Timpanogos Temple at night after the patrons and the temple workers go home.  There are 19 of us on the crew wherein 10 of us are there to clean the 10 different "areas" divided up for us on any given night.  We are alone for the most part in our areas for 3 hours or so while we madly rush to make it all look perfect again and ready for the work that will be done the next day.  I love this job.  I think it was heaven sent at just the right time (I started working a week after we buried my mother) for me.  It is hard work.  We don't walk around with feather dusters, the temple doesn't magically clean itself.  It gets dusted, vacuumed thoroughly, and each restroom cleaned from top to bottom every single night. It is hard work and I finish every night in a sweat.

Back to 6 or 7 months ago......I was pondering, really pondering and praying one night about what to settle on when it came to gay marriage.  I was vacuuming (which is a really great time to ponder as vacuuming is very monotonous) and thinking and praying when the answer, very simple, came:  Follow the Brethren.

In the LDS Church to Follow the Brethren means to follow the Prophet and the Apostles. The Brethren have asked us to love those in gay relationships, that they should be afforded all the legal commonalities as those in straight relationships--meaning receiving insurance, being entitled to their dead partners belongings, sharing custody of children,etc.  But not marriage.

I mean, it all seems logical to me, it really does. But the Lord has told me that it is not to be and I am to "Look to the Brethren."  I learned a long time ago that when the Lord tells me these things, and I simply just obey, say okay, then I will be at peace.  And, really, that's all I need.  I don't need to make you feel good.  I don't need to make my gay family members feel good.  I don't need to make my gay friends and acquaintances feel good.  I need to feel good and at peace with me and with God.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Carron's "Killer" Cookies

This is a recipe I tore out of a Good Housekeeping Magazine April 2009.  I liked the sound of it because it had Rice Krispie cereal included.  I like texture in my food.

Makes 4 1/2 dozen
Prep 15 minutes
Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup vegetable shortening (I've been using coconut oil and it's de-licious!)
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups old-fashioned oats
2 cups Rice Krispies cereal
1 cup sweetened flake coconut
1 bag (6 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (I just threw in a little over a cup)

1. Heat the oven to 350.  Place parchment paper on some baking sheets.

2. In a small bowl, blend the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt with a whisk; set aside.

3. In a large bowl, beat shortening and both sugars on medium-high speed about 3 minutes or until light and fluffy.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.  Beat in vanilla.

4. On low speed, gradually add flour mixture and beat until just combined.  Stir in oats, cereal, coconut and chocolate chips.

5. Form balls with 2 tablespoons of dough (I used my medium sized scoop) and place 2 inches apart on prepared baking sheet.  Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes.  Cool for a few minutes on the pan before transferring them to cooling rack.

The recipe says to bake them for 10 minutes but I thought they were a little underdone at that time so I cooked them for and extra minute or two just in case.  It always depends on your scoop, oven, etc.
They are crispy and chewy at the same time--perfect cookie.

To Mom, Love Matthew

After church today, my youngest, almost 12 year old Matthew, got to me first and handed me a folded up piece of paper.  I said, "What's this?" and he replied that it was "a 20 questions thing about my mom."  I love those things.  They really let you know what your kid thinks about you and possibly tells his friends about you.

1. What is something your mom always says to you?
   "You're a pain."

2. What makes mom happy?
   "When things get done."

3. What makes mom sad?
   "When she has to work late."

4. How does mom make you laugh?
   "She tickles me."

5. What was mom like as a child?
   "An energetic child."

6. What is her favorite thing to do?
   "Spend time with the family."

7. What does mom do when you're not around.
   "Clean, cook, nap."

8. If mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
   "Cooking."

9.  What is mom really good at?
   "Cooking and cleaning."

10. What is mom not very good at?
   "Video games."  And in my defense here, they make me nauseous to watch on the screen soooo....

11. What does mom do for a job?
   "She cleans the temple."

12. What is mom's favorite food?
   "Chocolate."

13. What makes you proud of mom?
   "Nice, cooking and funny."

14.  If mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
   "Daffy Duck"

15.  What do you and mom do together?
   "Go to dinner."

16. How are you and mom the same?
   "We are both energetic."

17. How are you and mom different?
   "I'm a guy."

18.  How do you know mom loves you?
   "She sais (sic) so."

19. What does mom like most about dad?
   "He makes the money/and listens to her."

20. Where is mom's favorite place to go?
   "Her room."

So apparently, I like to cook...........And even when he's not home I'm still cooking....for no one in particular.  I wonder what the other kids would answer.

Mother's Day 2013

Every year Mother's Day comes around and I can already hear the groans from the women: I hate Mother's Day, I'm not a good mother, Everyone else is better than me, I suck, etc. But really?  How awesome is it that each family gets to celebrate what they like best about you?

We are all different.  We all came to earth with different personalities and abilities or maybe disabilities.  No two people are alike.  Not one of us is even NEAR to being perfect.  So why do we constantly compare ourselves to one another? 

Here is a list of things I'm good at:  Mowing the lawn, cooking, yelling, dressing myself, procrastinating, studying the scriptures, cleaning bathrooms, shaving my legs, not killing my kids, getting everyone to where they are supposed to be on time, trying, driving fast, working outside the home.....

Here is a list of things I'm NOT good at:  drawing, sewing, finishing projects, keeping my mouth shut, keeping up on my blog, keeping the laundry room clean, keeping up on paperwork, making sure my kids get their school work finished and turned in, denying myself food, getting up in the morning, wanting to call people back, being consistent....

And the lists will go on.

I bet you didn't know some of those things about me.  I bet if you wrote down lists about yourself they would be totally different than mine. I'm betting that you are sitting there comparing yourself to me.  Stop that.  Seriously.

A wise man said, God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.  Let me add, God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.  And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others--usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths.  As a result we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.--Dieter F Uchtdorf

What is one thing you do well?  Just one thing.  Is it the laundry?  Is it a perfect driving record? Is it playing with children?  Is it patience?  Is it musical?  Is it dusting the ceiling fans?  Is it appreciating your accomplishments?  What is it? 

There is that one thing.  Let's your family appreciate that one thing at least one day out of the year.  And quit whining.

Diet

I've been on a "diet".  It's the non-diet diet of death and doom and OMG I think I want to kill myself at times.  I'm being over dramatic there.  I've always been thin.  I was that person that could eat, and eat, and eat, and eat and never work out and never gain a pound.  I lived on treats, and cheeseburgers, and cookies (my personal favorite dessert), Dr Pepper--full octane mind you, Wendy's, In n Out, JCW's (a Utah place), etc. 

I was that person that women would say, "I bet you can eat anything and not gain weight." Or, "Do you have to work out?" Or "How do you look so good?" And I would pridefully say, "Yep, I can eat anything and not gain weight.  No, I don't have to work out. And I don't know." I say pridefully because I had grown tired of women trying to make me feel bad for something I really at that point couldn't control. Screw you, girls. I'm the bomb dot com.

As a little kid I think I may have weighed 50 pounds in 5th grade and 80 pounds while I was in 8th grade.  When I got married I weighed 105 pounds.  Even after my fourth baby at 33 despite gaining 55 pounds I returned to my pre-pregnancy weight of 118.  Easy Peasy.  And I had the nerve to look in the mirror and say to my husband, "I'm fat!"  What a joke. 

Then I turned 38.  Several things happened that year of which a few I have only guesses about: 

1. I started taking anti-depressants.  Which is a great thing.  I was happy.  Jonathan was happy.  The kids were happy.  I put on weight.

2. We went on our yearly across country trip that year to Tennessee where my sister-in-law fed me and I ate and ate and ate like usual.  I gulped down Dr Pepper across country both ways and ate sunflower seeds to keep myself awake while driving.  And I ate Pop Tarts while driving which are my Kryptonite. I gained 10 pounds on that trip.  I thought, "Oh, it's just water.  It'll go away."  It didn't.

3. My metabolism changed.  I slowed down. 

4. My periods started getting funny and I went on the pill for a couple years.  Fixed my periods.  I gained weight though.  And I thought I would lose it once I went off the pill.  Didn't.

5. I took a sedentary desk job.  'Nuff said there.

6. I continued to eat like I always had.  Not enough lean meats, fruits and vegetables but lots of treats, Dr Pepper, and late night Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's.

I run.  I do yoga and Pilates.  I do Zumba.  I do all sorts of other fitness-y things.  I garden heavily.  But I don't eat well! And I kept wondering why I don't lose weight. And actually I haven't gained any extra weight in over 2 years but I have this belly......that I hate!  And I KNOW I don't look bad but I FEEL bad.  And there's nobody asking me those questions anymore....*sob*

So my awesome friend Teri Shelley started mentioning on Facebook about some program she had been doing in which she had lost a bunch of weight.  She mentioned that she was going to start again on the program and wondered if anyone wanted to join her "diet group".  I asked her what it entailed and it is rather simple:

Eat three servings of vegetables a day.
Eat three servings of fruit a day.
No white flour.
No sugar.
A LOT of water.
Exercise 45 minutes 5 days a week.
No fried food.
No soda.  At all.  Even diet.
Keep a food journal.
And no eating after 8pm.

Also you get one free day a week.  Thank goodness.

We keep track of everything and each thing gets a point and the person with the most points at the end of 12 weeks wins money.  You have to put something in or why else would you do it?

It's really just natural eating.  This is really how one should eat always, right?  Eat less/move more? And you tell yourself you CAN have a treat you just have to wait until your free day.  Which is sometimes hard because I really, really love Dr Pepper and cookies.  But I do it.

I've basically lost a pound a week which I really like because I know it is good weight I'm losing and not just muscle or water that I will gain back again.  I now weigh 140.3 pounds as of today but started at 145.5 just so you know.

The first week I didn't lose any weight but because I wasn't eating white flour and drinking Dr Pepper I lost that bloaty feeling in my belly.  It weighs you down like crazy.  Now when I eat a meal I feel full because my stomach is full not because I have added more gas inducing white flour going on in there.  And don't get me wrong so many yuuuuummy things are made out of white flour.....cookies, brownies,  bread, tortillas, pasta, and don't tell me that I can use wheat flour for those because Holy GAG!  I just put those things aside and partake on my day off. 

I'm pretty pleased with my success so far.  And you know what?  I've actually become comfortable with my bigger self.  I look better in clothing.  I don't look like an emaciated, underweight 20-30 year old mom with 4 kids trying to recapture her glory days. However, I'd like to lose another 10 pounds in the weeks left which means I'll need to work a little harder but I think it's worth it.

Whole Wheat Waffles

Guys?  I just made up a whole wheat waffle recipe that was the bomb dot com and I'm going to share it with you.

Whole Wheat Waffles

2 cups whole wheat flour (scoop the flour into the cup for lighter batter)
1 cup oats whirled around a food processor until flour-y
1/2 cup white flour OR another 1/2 cup of oats whirled around the food processor
2 Tablespoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 egg yolks (save the whites!!)
3 1/2 cups milk
1 cup cooking oil
4 egg whites

Place the dry ingredients in a bowl and whisk them together to mix.  In another bowl place the egg yolks, milk and cooking oil.  Mix them well with a whisk then pour into the dry ingredients.  Stir until combined but still lumpy.

In another bowl beat the egg whites till stiff peaks form.  Gently fold the egg whites into the flour and egg mixture.  Leave some egg white fluffs.  Do not overmix.

Depending on your type of waffle maker pour 1 to 1 1/4 cups of batter onto the greased maker and get ready for goodness!  The egg whites make the waffles extra crispy and light so you don't have heavy whole wheat waffles of doom.  Makes 10-12 waffles depending on the waffle maker size.

Best served with lots of maple syrup and bacon, bacon, bacon......

BTW they are about 170ish calories without the syrup.  And bacon is only 45 calories per slice if its cooked really well.  I love bacon.

Tell me if you like them.  Okay?

Parenting

Out of all the lectures I received from my mother as I grew up the only thing I really remember her saying to me was, "You will never know how hard it is to be a parent until you are one."  I hated that.  I really did.  I used to inwardly roll my eyes (because if I outwardly did it she'd have knocked them out of my head) and think to myself, "You just don't know or remember how hard it is to be a kid."  How self-centered.  But that's kids. 

Without going into theories of human development and whatnot, kids are self-centered.  There are no two ways about it.  It's true some of them grow out of it faster than others and some never at all.  And there are varying degrees of self-centeredness within each child.  But it's there in all of them.  Sometimes they do are say the dumbest things that make us parents stand with our mouths open, heads shaking, thinking, "Don't you get it?!"  No they don't.

We've always taught our children that they may get to do or say or be whatever they want but they don't get to choose the consequences.  And the bigger the stupid, the bigger the consequence.  Some of our kids get it pretty early and some don't.  Our oldest said today that he only broke our trust once and he was so  disappointed in himself, as we were in him, that he never did it again.  Or at least got caught.  Because really isn't that part of being a kid?  Doing stuff you are not supposed to and not getting caught.  I still relish those moments myself. 

I have to say that my teenagers are the funnest people.  I enjoy this stage of life with them way better than the infant stage.  Babies are soooo cute and cuddly but they poop and throw up on you and get you up at all hours of the night and you can't sleep in and the laundry--don't get me started on the laundry. My teenagers don't poop on me anymore and they do their own laundry and sometimes they are out too late and I need them to come home so I can go to sleep but they have these great personalities and they have fun friends and interesting adventures.  But they can do some of the dumbest things.

Really dumb things.

Things that make me say something to the effect of, "You will never know how hard it is to be a parent until  you are one."  And I hope, somewhere, deep deep deep down inside their little self-centered hearts they get that.  But I afraid they don't.  I'm afraid it's a pipe dream. 

And so my next thought is this, "I hope you get one just like you."  I know my mother thought it at least once.  Because I did.  I got one just like me.  Possibly two.

*sigh*

Crap Happens (I really want it to read the other way but thought better of it.)

Yesterday was our anniversary and after spending a lovely day and evening with my husband we were driving home from our wonderful french dinner talking about some people we know.  I recalled a conversation I'd had with somebody recently about how they felt their life hadn't turned out the way they thought it would.  It had been wrought with hardship, divorce, parental estrangement and childlessness.  The comment they made on their life that really got me thinking was "God has a purpose for why he has given me these challenges and I have to figure out what that purpose is." Or something to that effect.

I don't believe that.  I don't believe that God "gives" us challenges.  I believe He gives us agency. 

A woman I follow on Twitter who is going through some trials right now tweeted yesterday, "For each moment that I allow myself to feel joy, I receive a double dose of my messed up reality."  I tweeted back, "Feel joy anyway."

Why shouldn't we feel joy even though we are going through trials? Men are that they might have joy! Who is it that wants to take our joy away from us?  The Adversary.  Satan wants us to be miserable like unto himself.  The way Satan takes away our agency is to bring us down to his level of misery that we can see no way out.  

Let me define agency:  The free gift (although agency is NOT free.  Never say free agency in front of me because you will quickly be corrected) God gives us to act, think, feel, react, speak, etc. anyway we like.  Any way at all.  We get to CHOOSE how we do these things.  There isn't one person on earth or Satan for that matter that can MAKE us do what we don't want to do. We can be charmed, we can be cajoled, we can have it suggested, we can be harangued for that matter to give into our baser selves and act against what we know is best.  However, and this is a big however, we are NOT FREE to choose the consequences of our actions or inactions.  This is why agency is not free.  There is always a price to pay.

This goes for what people have done to us in the past.  They have their agency also.  And unfortunately the consequences made from their poor use of agency ripple down to us. 

Yes, there are horrible things that happen in this world.  My heart hurts from the abuses made against women and children.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:6 (also in Mark and Luke)

But whoso shall ^aoffend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

But those who offend cannot hide from God even in the depths of the sea.  

And yes, the pain people who offend leave in their wake can be devastating.  But we have the opportunity to use our agency to move past this pain.  We don't have to continue being victims to the pain someone has inflicted on us.

And this is why I do not believe that God "gives" us challenges.  He gives us agency.  He allows bad things to happen to people (good and bad alike) because that is His gift to us.  To take the hand that was dealt to us and make our lives better. 

Do you think He wants us to be miserable?  NO!  Remember, that is Satan's tactic.  To use our agency to become miserable. God is our Heavenly Father.  A true and loving person who wants us to be happy.  Who wants us to have joy.  He knows we will fall down over and over and over again in this lifetime and he hopes we will continue to get up, dust ourselves off and keep on going.  

We choose our unhappiness.  We choose how we react to situations.  We choose our joy. 

Rules For Engagement

How to communicate efficiently with me: (this shouldn't be a list exclusive to me, people.)

Do's

1.  Call me directly if you have any comments, questions, or criticisms.
2.  Email me directly if you have any comments, questions, or criticisms.
3.  Text me directly if you have any comments, questions, or criticisms.
4.  Talk to me directly if you have any comments, questions, or criticisms.
5.  Expect me to listen to you and plan on me sympathizing, empathizing, agreeing, OR disagreeing with you.
6.  Expect me to be polite whether I agree with you or not.
7.  Speak to me with a normal tone of voice.
8.  Make sure you have your facts straight before you talk to me.
9.  Once you start something with me make sure you are ready to finish it.
10. Expect me to disagree with you.
11. Expect me to agree with you.



Don'ts

1.  Don't talk to everyone but me about any comments, questions, or criticisms you have.  That's called gossip.
2.  Don't talk down to me.
3.  Don't use your snarkiest voice with me.
4.  Don't accuse me of things before you get your facts straight.
5.  Don't start something with me and then walk away because I don't agree with you.
6.  Don't call me names.
7.  Don't assume I'm going to disagree with you.
8.  Don't assume I'm going to be unsympathetic.
9.  Don't assume I'm going to agree with you.

And the lists could go on.......

I'm actually a very easy person to get along with.  Now that I'm medicated.  I rarely, if ever, get really angry and most likely will sympathize with you and even if it's not my problem will help in any way I can to make the situation easy for you.  However, if you come at me claws bared and in attack stance before I even know what the hell is going on.....expect a fight.  I won't take your crap.

One more thing?  I can not be bullied.  It's that simple.  I was raised by a bully.  She was 6 feet tall and 200 pounds of mean.  She would push her way through every situation making sure she got her way, always.  I learned two things from this:  1.  That's not nice.  2.  I can't be bullied so don't even try.  I know how to fight back and I am mean when I have to be.  I stand up for myself and take control of my life. Nobody else will do it for me.

Second Class Citizen

When I was about 5 years old my mom staged one of her protests with a church leader.  It was Mother's Day and the bishop of our ward (that's Mormon speak for the lay leader of our congregation) a real misogynist, got up in the adult Sunday School class and told those in attendance that women were second class citizens in the church.  That men, because they hold the priesthood, were better than women and that he'd been able to get a general church leader to admit to this.  On Mother's Day!! This was back in the day when we'd go to church three times on Sunday.  My mother had time to ruminate on this all afternoon so when it was time to get ready to go back to church that evening for Sacrament Meeting (which used to be 2 hours long) my mother put on her loudest pair of polyester pants and got into the car to go.  I. Was. Mortified.  One did not wear pants to church!  My dad was in the bishopric at the time and was already on the stand.  My mother waited until the service was just about ready to start then marched my sister and I up the aisle to the front row and plunked herself down in front of the bishop.  He was pissed!  And my poor passive father just sat there....what could he do?  And I lay across my mother's lap trying to hide her shame.

Funny story but it goes to prove a point to a jerk:  Don't mess with a strong woman.  You will not win.

It's because of examples like this and others my mother (and others) have made over her lifetime that I have NEVER felt like a second class in the Church or life in general.  I just don't.

A month or so ago some unmarried "feminist Mormon" woman in Salt Lake decided to post a protest against the Church getting women to wear pants to church on a specific Sunday.  Because that'll learn 'em for sure!  Stupidest.  Protest.  Ever.  I think Utah is the only place women wearing pants to church would be an issue.  On my mission in Minnesota and Wisconsin women wore pants to church because it was cold.  And in my husband's ward in Michigan his Grandmommy wore nice pants suits quite often as did other women in that ward.

The day after this protest I was at work (I do housekeeping at the Mt Timpanogos LDS Temple) and one of my volunteers, a young man, said he didn't understand this protest and why women would feel like this.  My answer to him was, "Not all girls have had the same upbringing.  Not all women have had the same experiences in life.  Some were brought up to feel like they were less because they were born a girl.  Everyone's experience in life is different and those experiences are what shape our minds and our ideas.  This is why some women would feel this way."

I, however, like to wear skirts and dresses.  I feel more reverent when I'm wearing a dress or skirt to church.  Plus, I have great legs so......

A few minutes ago someone on Twitter said something about an article she had read and that it hadn't changed her mind.  You can read it here.  It's entitled "I Am a Mormon Because I'm a Feminist".  Go ahead and read it.  It's scholarly and some of it is a little iffy to me but the message is a good one that men and women have joint responsibilities in the whole scheme of God and creation and one is not better than the other.  I have always believed this.

I have never had a problem with plural marriage (polygamy).  I have never had a problem with women not having the priesthood.  I have never had a problem with women not being bishops.  I have never had a problem with not having a penis.  As Elaine Bennes once said, "I don't know how you walk around with those things."

I enjoy being a woman.  I enjoy nurturing my children.  I enjoy being the one to be pregnant and lactate for them.  I enjoy being the one who wears the dress on Sunday.

I do have a problem with men trying to make women look and feel like second class citizens.  I have a problem with companies not paying women the same as they pay men for the same job.  I have a problem with men leaving women to take care of their children that they both created and not paying for it.  There is a lot of inequality out there on the part of women.  It's true.  I'm not denying this. But I DO NOT FEEL LIKE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN.

 Maybe because it's the way I was raised.  Maybe it's the personality I was born with.  (dangling participle there.)  Maybe it's because I choose not to feel this way.  But I'll tell you one thing: I'm glad of it.  It sure does bring me peace and it's one less thing to fight myself and others over.

The end.

Just Don't Do It!

In November I was talking to a woman  and asked her if she could do something for me and she said, "No...I'm sorry.  I feel bad saying 'no'."  I wanted to hit her. 

Why do women do that?  Feel bad for setting boundaries for themselves and saying no? Who made up the rule that to say no is a sin?

I am in my church congregation's women's presidency--in Mormon speak I'm in the Relief Society Presidency.  I went to the President right then and said, "I'm giving the lesson in January. We're having a tutorial on the word 'No'."  Here it is:

"This summer my mother died and I was feeling down and then the summer ended and school started and I kept feeling worse.  I realized that my medication wasn't working very well and that after 7 years on the same medication I probably needed a change.  I tend to hide from people, situations, duties, etc. when I'm depressed and I was really hiding.  It took me until the end of November to get in to see my psychiatrist to assess my medication.  I have a lot of duties, civic and church, that I'm involved with and I wasn't doing them.  I said to my husband, I really feel like I am running faster than I have strength. (Mosiah 4:27 in the Book of Mormon)  I didn't have the mental capacity to do all the things I needed to do.  My mental health was suffering.

I was talking to the girl that waxes me the other day about her 5 jobs she'd mentioned she has.  Her husband goes to school and she is the bread winner in her family.  At one point she had several jobs that she did and that she hated.  Her husband told her that she did it to herself, which made her mad because here she is supporting the family and he's criticizing her--which he really wasn't.  She realized he was right.  Just because she works doesn't mean she has to do something she hates.  So she switched her focus and found things she likes to do and she and her husband are much happier.

Third story:  The other councellor who is over our monthly midweek Relief Society meetings had done a craft evening wherein a lot of the crafts had not been picked up or paid for.  She decided that she was going to take the rest home and finish them to give to the widowed and/or alone ladies in our ward (congregation).  This is a wonderful thing to do if you aren't getting ready to move, have 2 small children, teach 3 craft classes already, etc, etc, etc.  She came to church and said, "I don't think I'm going to be able to do this.  I'm really sorry."  I hadn't heard she was going to do it and after finding out the information said, "Do they KNOW you are doing this for them?" She said they didn't and then I said, "Then we're not doing it!"  Then she thanked me for allowing her to say no. 

Ladies, you don't have to have permission to say, NO!  It's not a bad word.  It's actually an awesome word.  It's a word that allows you to put boundaries on yourself, to keep yourselves mentally and physically well.

Think of all the things you do as a woman, wife, and mother:  laundress, chauffeur, we work outside the home, cook, clean, take care of our neighbors, eat, sleep, exercise, attend civic meetings, church activities, church assignments, take care of our parents, brothers and sisters, etc. Out of all the activities you do which ones are essential?  Eating and sleeping.  The laundry will wait.  The kids have feet to walk.  The dishes can wait until tomorrow.  Kids can eat ramen.

Why do we take on so much in our lives?  Why don't we say no?  Because we feel guilty.  Because we feel like we "should" be doing these things. 

My husband--the marriage and family therapist--often tells his female clients

                          Don't Should All Over Yourself!!

From here on out you are only to feel guilty if you do something:

1.  Mean
2.  Wrong
3.  Unfair

Otherwise, you are not allowed to waste good guilt energy.

God gives us guilt so good people will feel bad when they do something bad.  Then we will fix the problem so we can feel good again.  Satan wants us to feel bad about ourselves so we will be miserable like unto himself.  He wants us to feel bad and to think that we are inherently evil.  But we aren't.  He want us to run faster than we have strength.

In the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 4:26-27 tells us:

 26 And now, for the sake of these things which I have spoken unto you—that is, for the sake of retaining a remission of your sins from day to day, that ye may ^awalk guiltless before God—I would that ye should ^bimpart of your substance to the ^cpoor, every man according to that which he hath, such as ^dfeeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants.

 27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

The Lord tells us that although we are already saved by his grace and merits that we are to continue to do good to our fellow man however, it is not REQUIRED that a man should run faster than he has strength.  That we should work hard but all things should be done in order and wisdom.  

In other words:  If you don't have time, money, or energy or even if you don't want to make dinner for a sick ward member then say NO! and leave it at that.   If you don't want to share your Mother's Day chocolates with your children then don't--in fact you shouldn't!  If you don't want to be on the PTA then don't say yes.  

Create boundaries, ladies.  Say NO!  And remember, Don't should all over yourselves.

Winter

You know what I like about winter?  Nothing.

Well, alright.  Hot chocolate and  tea are good.  And flannel sheets.  My Uggs are pretty awesome.  Christmas lights and Christmas trees and Christmas.  As long as it's cold there may as well be snow.  Soup is wonderful, too.  All the comfort foods......and that's about it.

I don't ski, or snowshoe, or even snowmobile.  So you see, all but the few above mentioned things winter is pretty useless for me.

Amen.

Ode to Summer

You know what I love about Summer?  Watermelon.  We always have watermelon in the house in summer.  We eat it at almost every meal.  It's cold, sugary sweet, fragrant, and lovely.  I love watermelon.

You know what else I love about Summer?  Cotton sheets.  I love to get into bed at the end of a warm day and slip between my cool, cotton sheets.  My feet get so hot in the summer that I look all over the bed for the coolest spot.  Once I've warmed a spot up I will go find another spot to lay my feet.  I love cotton sheets.

You know what else I love about Summer?  Warm, balmy nights.  The kids will get a bunch of friends together in our cul-de-sac and play night games.  If I am inside I can hear their feet running and pounding on the pavement as they try to hide from one another.  The occasional scream will ring out when someone is found or just surprised.  I love that I can sit outside on my porch and watch the stars and enjoy the end of the day.  I love warm, balmy nights.

You know what else I love about Summer? Cucumbers.  I love cucumbers.  Anytime I go into a restaurant and see that there are cucumbers on a sandwich or in something I will get it.  Cucumbers shout "Summer" to me. They are somewhat melon-y but not sweet and they taste like summer.  I love them on sandwiches, salads, pickled, with onions, anyway they are prepared I will eat them.  I love cucumbers

You know what else I love about Summer?  Daylight Savings Time. I know most people hate Daylight Savings time but for me it is awesome!  I grew up in Phoenix where we didn't have Daylight Savings Time because in Phoenix who wants another hour of heat and sun?  But here where it's not as hot and it cools down at night I love it.  There is more light for me to work outside, to go running in, to play badminton in the backyard with my kids, to eat BBQ on the porch.  I love Daylight Savings Time.

You know what else I love about Summer? Less clothing.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I love clothes and shoes.  And in the summer there is just nothing better than a flowy, cotton skirt and a pair of sandals.  Or even better--flip flops!!  And shorts or capris.  Short sleeved, cotton shirts and blouses.  And the always present flip flops.  I never have a problem figuring out what to wear in the Summer.  I love less clothing.

You know what else I love about Summer?  Swimming.  I have always wanted an in ground swimming pool in my backyard.  It ain't happening.  But we have the Rec Center down the road, we have our white trash 18 foot blowup in the backyard, and we go to the lake as much as possible.  I love to feel the water surrounding my body, putting it's pressure on all sides.  I love floating on the surface, treading water in the deep parts, swimming under water and opening my eyes to see what's there. I love how exhausted I feel after a day in the water.  Tired but refreshed.  And then I sleep so well that night.  I love swimming.

To go along with swimming:  You know what else I love about Summer?  Being tan. I love getting tan.  I have no problems at all with it.  I have darker skin that accepts the sun like an old friend.  I wear 50-70 SPF and yet I'm still tan.  I feel healthy and more alive in the summer because of my tan.  When I look down at my feet and they are tan then I know my summer is complete.  I love being tan.

You know what else I love about Summer?  Gardening.  I have a very large garden and a very large yard.  I love going out there and putting my hands into the warm soil, planting tiny seeds and covering them with the requisite amount of dirt to coax little plants into living.  I love to go out every day and look at my flowers, vegetables, fruit trees and vines to see what they are doing.  I love to count how many pumpkins I have growing for the coming fall.  Each portion of the spring and summer different flowers bloom in their beds and I look forward to certain ones each year.  I even love mowing the lawn because I get to be outside that much more.  I love gardening.

You know what else I love about Summer?  Fresh corn on the cob from my garden.  I grow a super sweet variety that pops in your mouth when you bite into it.  I don't boil it, only steam it really and only for about 5 minutes.  Just enough to make it hot.  The first bite of home grown summer corn is almost orgasmic.  Every year I will take my first bite and exclaim, "OH. My. Gosh!"  It's so sweet, and so fresh, and so crisp that you never want to buy the stuff from the roadside stands.  I love fresh corn on the cob from my garden.

You know what else I love about Summer?  Crickets, no school, sleeping in, going on family trips, hiking, camping, jet skiing,  talking with neighbors outside, sharing the bounty of my garden, STORMS!!, BBQ's, and so much more but finally the end of summer.  September.

Things I hate about Summer?  My swamp cooler and August.  Combined they are hell on earth.

Summer.

The blahs

I'm sitting on my unmade bed which is unusual--I always make my bed.  My house is a mess--of course, mess to me doesn't mean mess to everyone else.  I have dog hair fluffs scattered all over the house because it's that time of year again for the dog to shed her fluffs.  And so much more.

I can't get myself to do anything about this stuff.  My kids have been back in school since last Tuesday and I have half-assed everything since then.  I told myself to wait on a few things until my kids got back into school then do a tornado type of clean.  But I don't.  I've been out to lunch every day.  But haven't made dinner except last night I made pancakes.  Everyone is subsisting on cold cereal, ramen, and mac & cheese (gag). 

For three weeks in July I hardly had any kids at home because they were all traveling or at various camps.  I think I weeded my garden.  I couldn't tell you what else I did.

The reason for this malaise?  I think I'm mourning.  You know.  Because my mother died. 

That irritating woman that drove me crazy with her antics?  I miss her. 

I haven't cried since the day of the funeral.  That's not me. I'm not much of a crier.  My thought up till now is that if I'm not sitting around bawling then I must be okay.  Because isn't that what mourning is?  Sitting around bawling?  But I know that's not right.  I KNOW that.  I've TAUGHT that.

Mourning for me has been not being able to focus or complete tasks.  Not wanting to socialize much.  Not answering my phone.  Staying off of social media (like this blog).  I don't want to wash the stinky dog nor do I really care if she gets washed.  My garden is not looking good.  I'm not going to can anything this year.  I don't want to decorate.  I could care less if anybody eats.  I can't get myself to go on a run.  When will I feel better?

I know I WILL feel better.  The average person takes up to a year to mourn the loss of a loved one.  That's the average person.  I hope I'm not average and this works itself through me sooner.

My mother died

My mother died on June 15, 2012 at 9:30am right before my sister and I started our first legs at the Ragnar.  That's very important.  We told her in May that that particular weekend wasn't good for us to have her die but APPARENTLY our wishes don't count.  Just kidding.  We still got our medals and our stickers and our shirts for participating.

My dad called my phone because he couldn't get a hold of my sister.  He was crying and said, "I think your mom just died."  What did he mean by he "thinks" she just died.  Either one is dead or they aren't.  But she was.  My sister started crying immediately but I went into "planning and being the boss" mode.  About an hour later when I talked to my second daughter to tell her about grandma she started crying and that's what put me over the edge.

 I had about an hour to get myself together for my leg of the race.  Which was hard and crappy.  7.8 miles up Avon pass.  A dusty, dirt road up over a mountain.  The last two miles of the leg nobody passed me.  Even the hard core runners were walking it.  Kristen (my sister) ran down the other side of the pass into Eden then my brother-in-law picked us up and took us home.  I bawled for a good portion of that drive.  I tried to do it quietly so I wouldn't upset my BIL and my sister but they could hear me.

As soon as I talked to my dad I called my husband and told him to cancel all of his appointments and get up to his house.  He's so awesome.  He did exactly that and stayed all day.

We finally got to my dad's house at about 5:00pm and stayed until about 8:00. 

The next day we went to the funeral home and picked out a lovely poplar casket, a dress, temple clothing, flowers, etc.  My sister went up to one of the caskets and kicked the wheel of one of the carts and said, "I'll take it!"  Because that's how we roll. 

The following Tuesday we met our hair girl down there and she did my mother's hair.  She looked dead.  We joked around and poked at her and got her hair done.  On Thursday morning we went and dressed her.  Non-Mormons will think this is weird.  Well, maybe even Mormons will think it's weird but she needed to be dressed in her LDS Temple clothing and only Mormons know how to do that.  She looked lovely.  That night was her viewing so we told them to draw some eyebrows on her as she has none.  My sister plucked them all out years ago.  Completely on accident.  Completely.

My dad hadn't seen her since the morticians had come to get her on the day she had died so when he came into the funeral home that evening and saw her he started to cry.  She was so pretty to him.  He said that he would court her all over again.  My poor dad.

The following is an excerpt from an email I sent a friend about the day of the funeral:

It was an exhausting, long day.  We were so happy to see those who came but when it came time to put on her veil and close the casket all three of us lost it. And we forgot to take a picture of her in the casket.  The funeral itself was great.  My cousin Kelli gave the life sketch, the grandkids sang a song and Emily accompanied.  Kristen and I spoke together and told several funny stories about my mother and her crazy antics over the years.  The chapel was filled with laughter.  Then we both blubbered through our last thoughts and testimonies.  We barely got it together enough to sing Amazing Grace (the MoTab version) and I only broke at the last two lines when I happened to look at my dad.  So I quickly stopped looking.  The bishop told a story about how she Jazzied up to him once and told him he was a good bishop and said that she probably said that to all her bishops to which in reply in unison we all three said, "Nooo!"  We'd forgotten to tell a story about Cliff Henkel and his 7 year reign of terror.  I'll tell you about it sometime.  The pallbearers hauled her out to the car and then I said to my cousin, "Let's eat!"  They think I'm terrible.  And then Kristen comes up to me and says the exact same thing.

We drove up to the cemetery in Wellsville and had another cousin dedicate the grave and my dad bore his testimony.  Then he sat down and I leaned over and said, "Now what?"  Then Kristen leaned over and said, "Now what?"  Then my dad let everyone know it was over.

We cried a good deal of the day.  I was exhausted when I got home and went straight to bed.

Saturday was really solemn and quiet.  Jon was having a party for my birthday and my dad came but left early because he "wanted to be alone with his thoughts."  My sister walked him out and he was crying.  I guess he cried all the way home then when he got into the house he lay on my mother's side of the bed and bawled for a long time he said.  Sunday was better although I saw a friend of mine from the other ward who works for the hospice that took care of my mother and I talked to him about the nurse coming and I started bawling.  It comes and goes like that.

Today is fabulous.  I feel good.  Kristen and I went up to my dad's and started going through my mom's stuff.  We went through the jewelry today and I gathered a bunch of genealogy my mom had in a drawer since I'm the one interested in that stuff.  Then we went out for Mexican food.  My dad paid.  We made him.  He's doing good today.

I need to write everything down that happened before I forget.  But I don't know if I have the energy to do it.  This is a good start, though.  I don't feel like she's hovering around anymore.  I felt like she was hovering around until we dedicated the grave.  I didn't realize I felt that way until later."

There is more to it but I'm not in the mood.  It has been a moody couple of weeks.  A few days before she died I was able to spend several hours with her,  Kristen did it again the next day.  On both days she was really lucid.  The day before she died we took turns going up and sitting with her.  Her oxygen levels were really low and the next day she died.  Really fast, too.  It was kind of amazing.

Prison

Today I attended a parole hearing for a man who molested a child in the neighborhood.  I sat with the victim's family and witnessed the utter suffering and uncontrollable crying of the mother as the specifics of the case were read aloud.  And when I say specifics I mean everything was laid out in the open.  There was no second guessing what this man had done to this child. 

The man was asked questions and then left the room while the mother spoke openly and candidly about the sadness her child has to live through.  How the child doesn't think much of themself, the child's usually high grades had plummeted, how the child cries frequently, and has had continual therapy since the time it came out in the open.  Also, the child continues to relive the abuse suffered.  That will never go away.  The child will always remember it, unfortunately.

The man came back into the room and the mediator asked him questions. I won't go into the questions the man was asked as suffice it to say everything the man answered was either half truths or all out lies.  Because you see that is the way pedophiles are.  They lie.  THEY LIE!!  They are almost narcissistic in their behavior.  "If I don't get caught, I didn't do it.  And no matter what I did I will not apologize."  I will say thing like, "I'm glad I got caught, or I feel the victim's family's pain, or I understand what I did was wrong, etc."  But at no time will they actually say, "I am sorry." Period. Because they will put the blame on the child, the child's family, the way they themselves were molested as a child, pornography, their home life, etc.  And they are slimy!!  They will get their family, friends, church and community members to believe that "it only happened once, maybe twice, and never with another child."  And the family, friends, church and community members will believe them.  Because they have been groomed right along with the child he violated.

As a side note, for every child you find out about there are at least 100 children in one stage or another that are being groomed.  Some are in the beginning stages and others are too old for the pedophile.  It's a proven fact.  

Behind the group of us who were with the victim's family were the group who were with the man in prison.  They were not allowed to speak.  I knew all but one person in that group.  I hope that whatever lies the man's mother and family tell about their son/friend and about the victim's family were now laid out for all to see.  I hope that their will be no more confusion as to what this man did.  I'm glad they weren't allowed to speak their lies to the mediator.  They don't deserve a voice.

My friend has felt compassionate towards the family.  She's a better person than I. 

However, I do believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I have personally put my faith and trust on the shoulder of the Savior to help me through hard times and to help me forgive those who have wronged me.  Granted nothing like this has ever happened to me or my family but I know for a fact that the Atonement of Jesus Christ his given me peace as I've laid my burdens at His feet.

I hope for that sakes of both family, the victim and the pedophile especially, that they can learn how to apply the soothing balm the Atonement provides.  The memories never go away.  They are there to help you remember how to treat others, I believe.  But the pain can disappear.  Like nothing ever happened.

In the meantime, he's in jail for a long time.  Amen.

Sometimes I surprise even myself

You want to see an embarrassing picture of me?

Who toldest thee that this wast sexy? (May '88)

I have no words.  Or boobs.