I'm sitting on my unmade bed which is unusual--I always make my bed. My house is a mess--of course, mess to me doesn't mean mess to everyone else. I have dog hair fluffs scattered all over the house because it's that time of year again for the dog to shed her fluffs. And so much more.
I can't get myself to do anything about this stuff. My kids have been back in school since last Tuesday and I have half-assed everything since then. I told myself to wait on a few things until my kids got back into school then do a tornado type of clean. But I don't. I've been out to lunch every day. But haven't made dinner except last night I made pancakes. Everyone is subsisting on cold cereal, ramen, and mac & cheese (gag).
For three weeks in July I hardly had any kids at home because they were all traveling or at various camps. I think I weeded my garden. I couldn't tell you what else I did.
The reason for this malaise? I think I'm mourning. You know. Because my mother died.
That irritating woman that drove me crazy with her antics? I miss her.
I haven't cried since the day of the funeral. That's not me. I'm not much of a crier. My thought up till now is that if I'm not sitting around bawling then I must be okay. Because isn't that what mourning is? Sitting around bawling? But I know that's not right. I KNOW that. I've TAUGHT that.
Mourning for me has been not being able to focus or complete tasks. Not wanting to socialize much. Not answering my phone. Staying off of social media (like this blog). I don't want to wash the stinky dog nor do I really care if she gets washed. My garden is not looking good. I'm not going to can anything this year. I don't want to decorate. I could care less if anybody eats. I can't get myself to go on a run. When will I feel better?
I know I WILL feel better. The average person takes up to a year to mourn the loss of a loved one. That's the average person. I hope I'm not average and this works itself through me sooner.
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I remember mourning in exactly the opposite way when my Dad died. I painted. I mean, I really painted. I painted the entire inside of my house, the outside, the cement on the porch, the cement patio and walkway. When there was absolutely nothing left to paint, I went to the office and worked late hours into the night.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how each one of us reacts differently.
It does get better. Hang in there.
Tudie Rose
Thank you Trudy. I wish I could get myself to do ANYTHING. It'll come back.
DeleteI can relate! Unfortunately my brain put off the mourning til after I was released...still finding my way:)
ReplyDeleteJ.R. died the first part of December. I remember getting back to AZ and not having a thing ready for Christmas. I would not have put up a tree except I did it for the kids. I went to one store bought all the gifts in one night. The tree had a string of lights go out on half of it, I didn't care and I didn't fix it. I remember only doing what was absolutely necessary and I didn't care about anything else. I think it takes a while to sort out the feelings and emotions you have for a person when they die. :) Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks you, Sandra! I wouldn't have imagined you would have mourned over JR. But you spent many years with him.
DeleteWell said, honey. This is important for you to share for your own sake, of course, and it also is good for others who mourn to know they are not alone. You've always been great about that--keeping it real in a way that allows others to know it's not just them but that others feel this way, too.
ReplyDeleteI know you know this, but I alway remind people there's no right way to grieve and no right timeline. You'll come back to your old self when you're ready. Until then we're all just fine with cereal, mac and cheese and ramen.
I miss your mom, too.