Thursday, May 10, 2012

Marriage Retreat

The hubs had someone approach him a few weeks ago about coming to a well-known marriage retreat to possibly, maybe get into doing it with this company.  He said, "I was invited to come to this marriage retreat by ........... to check it out.  We're going.  It's in Provo and we're staying at the Marriott."  How could I resist that?  Especially because I THOUGHT we were staying in the downtown fancy shmancy Marriott but we're in a Spring Hill Marriott.  Which really isn't too bad.  The toilet has it's own little room separate from the shower.

As soon as I walked into the conference room where this is being held I knew what I was in for.  Schmaltz.  Pure unadulterated schmaltz.  As the husband so eloquently put it a little while ago, I am the man in this relationship.  I don't appreciate schmaltz.  In fact I can't stand it. 

So these couples get up and read from a script that they write themselves then pose questions to us that we then need to write down on a tablet of paper, then answer the questions away from each other for 10 minutes.  Sometimes I go up to our room to write and sometimes he does.  I can't even watch TV without doing two other things at once and I have to sit for 10 minutes and write about crap?  Geez Louise.

First Question: (In our room)

Why did I come to this weekend? And, What do I hope to gain? 

I answered:  I don't know and a tan.  (Then I added, just for fun mind you) I came to this weekend because my Pootie (That's what I call him.  Don't make fun) wanted me to and I love him so I obeyed.  And, I hope to gain some patience and understanding for the ensuing schmaltz.

(Of course he writes these long, eloquent, glorious, beautiful things about our relationship and how much he loves me.  Which I skim over.)

Second Question:

What do I enjoy about our marriage now? And, In what ways would I like to help our marriage grow?

I answered:  I enjoy that now we both work from home that we have even more time to spend together and this has increased our "special times" that the children don't want to talk about. And, I would like to help our marriage grow by coming to these things once a week.  Not really. :) I would like to have more sex with you but not in the car.

(That was supposed to take 10 minutes. I had to stay in the conference room for this so.....)

And now I'm just writing crap on the rest of this paper so I don't look like a stick in the mud.  I hope you like the naughty knickers I brought with me.  They are far cuter than the pioneer panties.  And I'm glad the people in Room 420 aren't on the other side of us so we can make as much noise as we want.

Do you miss the dog?  I do.  She is so fluffy and needs a serious bath.  I don't think she likes her food.

If you decide to do this thing I'm not making any quilted signs nor will there be any lacy tablecloths.  Sorry but it ain't happening.  (This is the schmaltz I mentioned.)

I like you.  You are special to me.  And I'm glad you are putting up with my silliness and ramblings.  You're probably writing very nice things to me or sitting on the pot.  Or both.  You never know.  Isn't this 10 minutes over yet?!  I'm gonna get carpal tunnel syndrome.

Third Question:

What qualities of yours attracted me to you? And, What do I love and appreciate about you now?

You were very nice.  You were very attentive.  You had a hairy chest.  I wanted to touch your wanker.

You're Jonathan Sherman, Friend to the World!  You laugh at my jokes.  You stuck it out.  You have a hairy chest.  I like to touch your wanker. :)

End Day 1.

BTW this whole thing starts again at 7:30 in the freaking butt crack of dawn A.M. !  Who actually pays for this crap?!


  1. You are hilarious! You two are lucky to have found each other. Go write for 10 minutes about that!!

  2. Oh my gosh. Best thing I've read tonight.

  3. Thanks for the best laugh in a week!